The Night Before Christmas

I decided to re-write the classic Night Before Christmas with words of my own expressing my increasing frustration with the absurdities and trappings of the Christmas Season to which everyone in America is supposed to subscribe otherwise be treated as a leper! I read this at our first Halloween/Christmas party this past Saturday and it went over quite well. Enjoy!

The Night Before Christmas
(Why I love Halloween)
by Dale Morton


Twas the night before Christmas and for eight solid weeks
It’d been nothing but hell for us Halloween freaks.
Even before all our pumpkins had begun to decay
The Season of “Peace” was well under way.

The aisles of costumes were not even gone,
When dozens of Santas were selling by dawn.
We went from the season of witches and ghouls
Right into continual reindeer and Yules!

The round-the-clock music had started at midnight,
The same old tired songs, oh, this just can’t be right!
White Christmas and Frosty, Sleigh Riding we go,
Winter Wonderland, there’s not one flake of snow!

By the time the sun rose houses had their lights hung,
Inflatable snowmen from green lawns had sprung.
As I cleaned up the mess from my All Hallows bash
The holiday changed, oh, it switched in a flash!

The outcry for Christmas, it seemed so insistent,
It’s as if Thanksgiving was no longer existent.
The buying, the selling, a calamitous rut,
I’ve never even tasted a roasted chestnut.

Black Friday it came with media fanfare,
The bargains, stampedes, the greed laid so bare.
The Elmos, the Zu-Zus, when will it all stop?
This horrible, ceaseless impulse to shop?

We spend and we spend, we go further in debt,
Closer and closer to the edge do we get.
Until on the day when our credit bills come,
We wonder what did we spend it all on!

And how many times can they run those same shows?
We already know about Rudolph’s red nose!
A Christmas Story twenty-four seven again,
It’s a Wonderful Life, it should be a sin!

Miracle on 34th Street for the one-millionth time,
Once it passes a thousand it should be a crime!
Santa Clause I, Santa Clause II,
If they air them again I swear I will sue!

We’re supposed to hang stockings by the chimney with care
But if I see one more elf I’ll pull out my hair!
And all of the magic I knew in my youth
Has all been replaced by something uncouth.

We eat so much sweets, we drink so much nog,
We even feed this crap to the cat and the dog!
We stuff ourselves full, we pack on the pounds,
We gorge on fresh turkey, we consume it in mounds!

And on Christmas Day all the gifts that we got,
The shirt that someone apparently felt was so hot.
The kids they all sit amidst boxes and toys,
Their Wii games, their iPods and electronic joys.

And when it’s all over we look back and complain
At the thousands we’ve spent, at the weight that we’ve gained.
We’re tired, we’re exhausted, we’ve ‘bout had enough
Of Christmas, of Santa, of presents and stuff.

So at last when the day finally comes to a close
The madness is over and I’m starting to dose,
I think back again at this Christmas I’ve seen
And it reminds me just why I love Halloween.